[email me]         [see my belly cast]

My due date was Monday, October 7. The day came and went with no signs of labor starting. I began to get emails, calls, and IMs asking if I had "popped" yet. Tuesday came and went as well. The next day I was feeling overwhelmed by the inquiries of others and by my own feelings of anticipation and worry. I took the afternoon off work, spent it in a hot tub and pool with my best friend. I treated myself to tea and pastry at La Myx tea bar on Piedmont Avenue. Early the next morning, October 10, I had the first real contractions of my pregnancy. I was relieved, although I had no idea what I was in for.

I got up a few times during the night in pain, but was able to get myself back to sleep. The alarm went off at 6:30am, and I poked Darcy to turn it off. "But I like this song!" he said. "I'm in LABOR", I said, somewhat grumpily. "Oh!" he exclaimed, and turned it off. We called Kaiser; they asked how long apart the contractions were (5 minutes) and how long they were lasting (1 minute). Since I could still walk and talk during the contraction, they advised me to stay and labor at home. I made breakfast (a smoothie and a piece of sausage). Darcy called my doula (and good friend) Gina, my best friend (Christine), my mom, his mom (Mimi), and stepmom (Margie). While he was making calls, I put on some cool music on my favorite Internet radio player, sent emails to people at work, did my timesheet for that week. We had already packed our bags weeks ago, and the maids had come that Monday, so there wasn't much else to do to prepare. Darcy and I sat down to play cribbage and he kicked my butt. I told him it was unfair since I was the one in labor - I should have won!

Gina arrived about 11am (I'm guessing) and Darcy left to get gas in the car and sandwiches for lunch. Gina held me, and we talked. I started walking around the house. When a contraction came up she would massage my lower back. They were getting a little harder, and I stopped walking when one came up. Darcy came back with lunch - I only ate half of my sandwich. Then a contraction came up and I stopped in my tracks, and couldn't speak. It was time to go. Darcy called Kaiser, then called Christine, my mom, and Mimi to meet us at the hospital.

I rode with Darcy in the Subaru, while Gina drove her borrowed car behind us. I sat in the back seat, next to the newly installed car seat. I was gripping the passenger-side headrest and rocking back and forth. We listened to Talvin Singh, which was very trancy and just what I needed. I remember thinking, "Thank goodness it's 1:30pm", because we had to drive on Highway 24 to Kaiser, in the evening commute direction. We made it to Kaiser in record time - right about 2pm. We parked in the temporary lot. Gina ran in ahead to request a wheelchair, while Darcy helped me walk to the building. The nurse met us inside the door, and had me sit in the chair. As she wheeled me into the elevator, she said "Now I am going to face you into the corner, but that doesn't mean you are a bad girl!" which somehow stuck out in my mind.

The nurse dropped me off at triage, where the beds were full. Apparently the labor and delivery rooms were full as well. A ripple of terror briefly crossed my mind. "I don't want to go to another hospital!" I had already met with a midwife from the facility, Robin, who had allayed my fears of giving birth in a hospital. She assured me that as long as the labor proceeded normally, I would be able to go without drugs or continuous monitoring. Also, they accepted and even encouraged other gentle-birth practices I wanted for our baby. I couldn't be so sure that another hospital would be so easy to deal with. And I felt I had a rapport with Robin. At our last meeting, she had said, "I hope I am on duty when you go into labor".

I was led to a bathroom, asked to disrobe, and was handed a hospital gown. Darcy helped me undress. A nurse led me to the bed in the adjoined room. I tried to lie down, but the pain was too intense - so they propped up the bed. I sat upright, barely able to sit still, while a male nurse strapped a monitor to me. It was getting to the point where my faculties of speech were going away. I couldn't verbalize it, but this nurse was giving me the creeps. And then, Robin walked in. She smiled at me, and calmly asked how I was doing. The male nurse pulled her aside and said "What about the epidural?" Robin told him hat I wanted to give birth naturally and that we had had mindfulness training. I can't tell what else she said; my powers of listening were going away also.

My mother appeared at my side. She was so excited that she appeared to be vibrating, her eyes shining bright. I have never seen her so agitated, it almost scared me. She smiled ecstatically, said hi, asked how I am doing, and then leaves the room (there is supposed to be only one support person with me in triage).

Then I am moving out of triage - there is a room available! I cannot remember if I walked, or was wheeled in. Once in the room, a female nurse asked if I wanted a shower. Sure, I nodded. Walked into the bathroom, shed my gown, stepped under the warm water. I look down, and a mass of blood had fallen onto the floor. "So this is the bloody show," I thought to myself. I stayed longer than I wanted - waiting for the nurse to come back with a towel. When I came out, I noticed our bags were there. I wanted my T-shirt. Darcy helped me get it on and tie the gown around my waist (I think).

From here on out it is a jumble of impressions.

I don't want to lie down, but rest my hands on the bed and bend at the waist. Gina is there to massage my lower back when a contraction hit. I am walking, walking around the room, trying to stay present, and trying NOT to anticipate the next contraction [picture].

They are getting harder, harder, and I cannot stop them. I realize my mom is in the room [picture], and so is Mimi. Christine is there, and occasionally I hear the snap of her camera.

I know I got monitored a couple times. One time, the nurse is holding the monitor on me as I am on my hands and knees, struggling with a contraction, clutching the beads from my motherblessing [picture]. She and Robin go away again, leaving the room quiet. I am pacing, pacing. A contraction comes and I lean into Darcy, moaning and gripping his body to me.

I am rolling on the bed, one side, then another. On my belly, on my back. Surely there must be some position that will ease the pain [picture]. Gina and Darcy are there to massage my lower back, lend a hand to squeeze [picture]. I wake up standing in front of Gina and Christine; they are sitting in chairs looking at me. "This is like an acid trip" I tell them, surprisingly calm and coherent. At one point I discard my shirt.

Robin comes in and they get me onto my back to check me. "You are completely dilated and effaced!" she announces triumphantly. I believe I hear cheering. "Do you want us to break your bag of waters?" "YES." Anything to get this over with. I don't feel it at all, except a trickle on my legs. Then another contraction hits and hits HARD.

And then there are no breaks between contractions. I am screaming, on all fours on the bed. At once, everyone is chanting with me, leaning into my body, bringing my voice down [picture]. "Help me, save me" I cry. I lie on my side, grab onto Darcy and hold him to me, my anchor in the storm of pain [picture]. "I can't do this!" I scream. "You're doing it!" they say joyfully. "I don't WANT to do it!" I am clamoring for some relief from the pain. There is none. I hear someone say, "Your baby is almost here!" "Baby?" I think to myself, "What baby?" I am too wrapped up in what is happening to my body to realize what is coming next.

In the end I am naked. In the middle of one of the contractions, on all fours, I start to push. It shakes me out of my haze. I manage to gasp, "I want to push!" Later I am told this happened at 7pm. Unbeknownst to me, my mother flies from the room to get the midwife. Robin comes in and says, "You can start pushing now. And it is time for me to go. Raewyn is here, she will be your midwife." No time to worry. I am caught up in the moment, scared of what comes next. I am leaning forward on my hands and knees to push. It feels better, but it is not working. Raewyn knows exactly how to talk to me; she says, sternly, "Jennifer, listen to me. We are going to get you to stand up so you can push." She has Gina on one side of me, Darcy on another, holding my entire weight as I push. In two contractions, I feel the head in the birth canal. This is the first time I realize that there is another person involved in this struggle.

They want me to lie on my back now. The pain is excruciating. I am kicking my legs. Mimi grabs one leg, my mother grabs another; I don't even realize that they are holding them, but it helps. And then I hear the music playing; it is Sheila Chandra. The words, so poignant, so beautiful, so RIGHT:


Pushing ... is an exquisite kind of pain. My only relief came in knowing that we were finally getting to the end. Raewyn says that the head is appearing, and I should reach down to touch it. It feels like I am touching myself. More pushing ... god this is so painful - I feel as if I am being split open. He is getting closer, isn't he here yet? Raewyn tells me that the baby is crowning, and I should reach down to feel it. "No, I already did" I reply. I just want to be done. "JENNIFER" Raewyn scolds, "you put in your birth plan that you wanted to touch your baby's head when it crowned, and you are going to do it!" I reluctantly put my hand down. Oh my. I can feel it! It is soft and gooier than I thought it would be.

Another contraction hits - sending me spinning. I am hyperventilating and screaming at the same time "Breathe, Jennifer! Your baby needs air!" Raewyn orders. I am gulping, gasping, moaning, yelling, screaming. Then, "This baby has to be born NOW!" Unbeknownst to me, the baby's heart rate had taken a nose-dive. If it wasn't born immediately, something drastic would have to be done.

Another contraction ... pushpushpushPushPushPUSHPUSHPUSH ... OHGODOHGODAAAIIIEEEAAAaaaaahhhhhhh... The baby slithers out. It is a relief like none other. My body is in shock. My mind is chanting "I made it! I made it!" I am near delirious. "It's a boy!" someone says. The nurse places my baby on my belly, they cover me with a blanket. Darcy is holding me, holding the baby. And I look down at this tiny being who has joined us, eyes wide open - taking in all the sights in his new world. He is red and oh so slippery. He has dark hair and dark eyes. He is strange and mysterious. I am shaking uncontrollably. Someone places a blanket over the two of us [picture].

I have torn, and badly at that. Fourth-degree tears, they call them. Not pretty. So when I am asked if I would like to have morphine, I say YES. They start the IV. The midwife thinks she has accidentally sewn my rectum shut. They call in an MD to check. He is a funny man, cracking jokes. The drugs must be working; I think he is funny too.

Then the nurse helps me breastfeed for the first time. What a peculiarly wondrous feeling that is! We wait until the cord stops pulsing to cut it. Darcy does the honors. We wait a while longer to give him his first bath. Someone gets me a fresh gown, towels off my chest.

After the bath, he is swaddled, and his father holds him while I have a much-needed dinner. I wolf it all down. He gets the video camera to tape the baby and the other occupants of the room. My parents are there (my dad has finally come in now that it is all over). My sister comes in, and then Matt, her husband. They are taking turns holding their little boy outside the room. Mimi is there, and then leaves to take care of John. Gina is there for me to hold onto while I get stitched up. Christine is still with us, her calm, smiling presence soothing to me.

We waive the vitamin K and antibiotic eye swab, unnecessary procedures for a healthy boy and mother. One by one our visitors leave us to rest. We move into the post-partum room and prepare for our first night as a family. And it still hasn't hit me that I am a mother.